One of the earliest childhood "crushes" I can remember having was Luke Skywalker.
(I think he was second only behind Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons.)
I didn't care about the actor who played him (because I still actually have absolutely no idea who it was)...but really really liked Luke himself.
In fact, when I played Barbies I never allowed "Ken" to come around.
Just my barbie doll sized weirdly floppy plastic esque Luke.
When my boys started getting into Star Wars the old Luke Skywalker figures were pretty hard to find.
They were THRILLED when I remembered that I had one tucked away in a box of mementos my mom had sent me.
They were so beyond totally disgusted not quite as thrilled when Luke showed up in a light blue tuxedo top, bell bottom pants and long white boots from his last date with Skipper 30ish years before.
Back in the box went poor Mr Skywalker....but my kids (all 3 of them) continue to obsessively love Star Wars.
Therefore... when it came out on the big screen this weekend.....it was basically a mandatory event.
RH* wasn't feeling super well so I decided it would be my first post-op solo outing with the young ones.
After we'd gotten properly arranged with a booster seat and our contraband bottled waters (which I realize may give an example of rule "breaking" but seriously...$5.50 for a WATER? And that's after we had to pay 4 "upgrade to 3-D" fees of $3 a piece for the overly priced tickets anyway? Dude. Call me a rebel....) I told the kids we'd splurge for a big popcorn.
When I returned the movie had started.
(I knew this because I didn't have my 3-D glasses on and everything was so blurry and dark and loud that I narrowly avoided tripping over something on my way down to the 4th row which was the only place we could find 4 seats together. )
Anyway....
I passed out cups of popcorn and we settled in.
Now. You know the part in the movie when little Anakin has to leave home?
(He and his mom were slaves, but the good Jedi master (Qui Gon Gin???) wins the little boy's freedom but can't free the mom. So the mother asks the Jedi's to take her son with them to give him a better life....a chance to be something.)
Well Anakin is probably 9ish years old. He's walking away with the Jedi dudes, SO excited to be going up into the stars and fulfilling his dream....when he stops.
He turns around and looks at his mom, and goes running back to throw himself into her arms.
He's crying and says he can't leave her....
She's trying not to cry and telling him to be brave....
He asks if he'll ever see her again....
She swallows hard and give some bogus answer to make him leave....
And there you go.
I'm bawling again.
In the middle of the stupid Star Wars Movie.
Now I'll admit....
The 27 times I've seen this movie before I always get a little misty at this part.
But not like this.
Give me a break.
I've got one arm around Carolyn, the other around Ethan holding onto Bennett's arm and I'm literally crying into my flippin' popcorn.
(And FYI....trying to move your 3-D glasses enough to clean the tears off without making yourself dizzy and simultaneously keeping the popcorn bucket from tumbling to the depths of scary-theater-floor-land is a quite an impressive feat.)
Sure it's sad that Anakin is leaving home.
Sure it's sad the mom's still a slave.
Sure it's sad that Luke Skywalker isn't even IN this movie.
But my issue wasn't so much the sadness....
....it was the gratefulness.
I was honestly and completely overcome by gratefulness.
I had ALL THREE of my beautiful children with me.
I was physically able to take them to the movie.
I was blessed enough to provide tickets AND popcorn.
Truly....I was-- I AM---the most blessed of all women.
A long time ago and in a galaxy far far away...
...my life was different.
Have I enjoyed all of the things that have happened to me in the last 81/2 months?
No.
Not really.
If I could go back and make everything the same as it was on May 21st of 2011 for myself, would I?
No.
Not really.
You see....I got to experience a PROFOUND perspective change....
without anything truly horrifically awful happening to me.
And I don't EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER
want to go back to the placid-take-things-for-granted-more-superficial mindset I had before this last season of my life.
I feel like I've spent some time standing on the edge of some pretty scary situations....
and walked away relatively unscathed.
Thank God that unscathed doesn't mean unchanged.
9 months ago I certainly would have enjoyed taking my family to a movie.
Enjoyed ...yes.
Been happy we could do it....sure.
But been deeply fully wholly aware of HOW blessed I was to do it?
I don't think so.
I don't want to loose that feeling of "Blessed Awareness" as time marches on.
I hope I don't.
I don't think I will.
I'm going to prayerfully try not to.
I wouldn't mind if I could stop with the random outbreaks of public tears and can just have "theoretical reminder tears" .....
But luckily I kept my 3-D glasses so I can slip them on to cover-up my running mascara if I need to.
Hey...I paid 3 bucks for those dang glasses.
I can do what I want with 'em.
*RH is Redneck Husband....just clarifying for those who are more recent readers. When the muddy hunting boot fits....
