Just Fine

Last night after putting the kids in bed, RH (who, as we know, does his very best to stay relatively unaffected by the girly emotional world) says, "It's hard to believe that THIS (gesturing around him) is our real house now."

Then as I picked my jaw off of the carpet he did a pretty good job of summing up what I have been unable to successfully put into words: "I mean, before today, we had our other house.  Even though it wasn't "ok", it was still there.  It was still our house.  I almost felt like this house was a hotel.  Not anymore though.  This is all we have now."

And with that, he turned around, walked off, and probably looked for something very manly and tough to do.

Wow.

I get it.

The sense of "home base" has been completely severed and is in the process of being re-grafted.

You see, yesterday we bulldozed the remains of the old house.

How weird does that sound/feel to say?!

There is nothing but a gi-normous pile of rubble there now.  And that will be gone today.....scooped up by some huge machine thing and thrown into a gigantic dirty black truck to be hauled off to some enormous dumping site.

End.
Finito.
Finale.
Done.

And then there will be NOTHING there.  Nothing of the house, that is.  Or the several tree stumps that the huge bulldozer thing plucked out of the ground.

But my forsythia on the corner are there.
And my mailbox.
And the tree house (for now, until we cut it down and bring it "home").

I took one last walk around the yard as the demo crew removed all of the undamaged cabinets and everything else they thought might be usable for Habitat for Humanity.
As I rounded the house one of my dear friends showed up...sent expressly to me for a much needed boost of support and love.

We stood and talked for a moment....about our kids, life, nightmares and priorities.

We looked at the house which was soon to be gone, and I told her that I was just fine with it.

That I knew my "home" was with my family....and that this structure in front of us was nothing but walls and a ceiling (or lack thereof!) and it was just fine to knock it down.

That the house had kept us safe, and now it was time for it to go and that was just fine.

I told her that this stupid tornado experience has helped me realize how incredibly important (and to be honest, incredibly logical and practical too) it is to root yourself in Christ...and let Him (rather than a structure) provide that sense of "home"....and that because I have Him I was just fine.

My friend looked me in the eye, and told me that she understood that I was just fine, but that it was also just fine to grieve the loss of something that had given my family a sense of home for so long.

Then the dear gal hugged me, spread her angel wings and flew off jumped back in the car with her daughter, and left.

Fine.
Just fine.

Then a ginormous metal dinosaur began eating my house...loudly smacking it's huge iron head against the brick wall (knock knock who's there?  The house monster!) until it crumbled and the neighborhood could watch RH's fancy toilet careen down into the ruined air hockey table in the basement.

Crunch.
Munch.

The sounds were eerily reminiscent of the ones we'd heard while hiding in the basement as the tornado ate it's way through the house.

My sil, RH, 2 great friends and I watched in utter shock and awe (but not really sadness....it was just too weird and surreal) as the dinosaur took something that we'd thought was so solid and utterly crumbled it.

Now I realize that the tornado has done that to a fourth of my town....but I didn't actually SEE that happening.  I only saw the aftermath.  To SEE the destruction occurring (and occurring voluntarily) was rather bizarre, to be honest.

Once the dinosaur trainer dozer-driver had finished the side of the house he drove around the front.

Then he asked me if I'd like to do the final knock-down myself.

Yeah.  I think that would be just fine.
Interesting, even.

I climbed in, and after a brief tutorial drove the lifted grappling arm into Ethan's wall.

Down came the bricks and the remaining dormer.

Then I backed it up, and out came his window seat with the 3 red (moldy) cushions on it.
And then I put the grappling arm into his green and blue room (that my mom and I had painted) with all of the Star Wars jedis on the walls and smashed them.
Then I backed up and watched his little spider-man lamp tumble down into the mess below.
Then I realized how hard I was crying.

The driver asked me if I was ok, and I told him I was just fine.

And I asked him if he could smell the lavender from my plants that were being crushed beneath the treads of the bulldozer.

He said it smelled nice, and I agreed and kept crying and used the dinosaur head to smash through the old wooden bookshelf that was in my kids' hallway.

Soon I climbed out because I think I was freaking the driver out a bit so the driver could re-align the machine, and let RH do the final knock-down.

Then, it was done.  My friends left.  RH left. The volunteers from Ft Worth across the street (who stopped to watch and film the demo) left, and it was just me.

I looked at the rubble pile that looked just the same as all of the rubble piles all across Joplin.

I prayed, and cried a little.

I thanked God for giving us that house to keep us safe...
for giving us such a wonderful place to call home for 7 years...
and for all of the memories we'd created in that house.

Then I thanked Him for a new place to call "home"....
for giving me my amazing family and friends to fill that home with laughter and new memories...
for staying so ever-present and faithful to me...
and for sending me someone to tell me that it was ok to be sad when I said good-bye to our old house.

Then I picked up the little "Atlanta Braves" stuffed baseball that had rolled out of the pile of bricks and insulation and furniture and glass....

and I went home to my kids.

A Little Stillness

This morning I was somehow able to carve out a few minutes of silence.  Barrett was at work, kids (and dog) still sleeping, and my mom was getting ready to head into her job.

I picked up my bible....man is it smoooshed.  

Not sure where it was that night, but most of the pages are crumpled and smashed, and weird debris is falling out from it.

In fact, there are quite a few pine needles in the pages.
We didn't have any pine trees.

Anyway, I started to try and clean some of the junk out and smooth the pages.  As I ran my hands over different sections I felt a large "bump" and turned the pages to discover a LARGE piece of glass and some...other stuff?  The glass was probably 2 inches square.  (I took a picture....just have to find my camera cord now!)  

Guess where the "glass-mark" had landed?

Psam 46
God is our refuge and strength.
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
Even thought the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Thought the mountains shake with its swelling......

Be Still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Bring it on today, world.  I'm ready.

Turn And Face The Change...

So.....it's now been a month (yesterday) that my town was smashed by a tornado.

One month.

31 days.

Not such a very big amount of time, really.

But...I must say that it has TRULY been the LONGEST 31 days I've ever experienced.

I've found it interesting how "warped" time has become since May 22nd.  
Even though I may have literally lost from memory several days of my life, a week seems to stretch on for years.  
And nights when storms come through lately?  Well....2 hours seems to become 8 or 9.  
But other times I am running around doing everything/nothing and I look at my watch to see if it's dinner time...only to find that it's 10:30 at night.

Time just isn't the same.
31 days later....things still just aren't the same.

To be honest, some of the "not-same" things I really kind of like.
For instance....
The low level of tolerance people seem to have for other people's insincerity.
Watching strangers sacrifice so much to help strangers.
Seeing so many people holding hands around town.
My new disco ball.


So...as I was forced to drive through yet another previously-unseen hideously disastrous road this morning (due to the fact that other roads had been closed for house and what remains of people's lives debris removal) I looked around me and noticed some things I found pretty interesting.

I think I'll list them here, so that in 3 years from now I don't forget and start taking the world for granted.

--Trees that have absolutely NO bark on them can still grow new leaves.
--Shiny sequins from Hallmark bags still stay shiny after a month out in the elements.
--Flags moved back up to the top of their poles from half-mast look very strange to me.
--Going without any fruit or vegetables for 14 days will not harm my children.
--You can honestly get used to being able to look through a building.
--Waiting an extra 8-9 minutes in line at Wal-Mart so the checker and another customer can compare tornado stories and hug isn't so bad.
--I can easily live with 4 pairs of shorts and 7 t-shirts (but having all of my fun flip-flops that were in my "lost" luggage helps!).
--It's spookier to see a totally bulldozed and cleared area then one filled with debris.
--A good Dr. Seuss read in quiet-yet-enthusiastic tones can keep a 4, 7 and even 11 year old calm during the sirens.
--Sometimes I'm quicker to cry about amazing kindness then I am about utter devastation.


So.
Some things I'm ok with "getting back to normal."
Others....I hope they ARE the "new normal."
--

Keep On Climbing

I'm back....in a manner of speaking.

This weekend we ran away. 
All 5 of us.

RH and I realized that we pretty much hadn't REALLY seen our kids for 5 weeks.
Sure, we'd been around....

But in reality we were gone on vacation for the week PT*...
Then we came back and had that little EF-5 incident...
Then we spent a week digging through and packing up our lives while the kids were shuffled from person to person....
Then we spent a week trying to find parts of our lives while the kids were shuffled from place to place....
Then we spent a week throwing away moldy parts of our lives and trying to move into a new home with mold-free stuff while the kids were shuffled from here to there...

(And I realize that only makes 3 official weeks....but to be honest..I think I literally lost a week in there somewhere!)

Ethan has been up with nightmares and random complaints almost every night.

Carolyn has told the bbsitters that she no longer has to listen to them (although there is a very distinct possibility that her....a-hem...defiance has nothing to do with our temporarily crazy lifestyle and more to do with her....a-hem...independentpersonality)...

Bennett has been on a hard-core-won't -leave-the-house-organize-everything-in-his-vicinity streak.

It was time for some JUST US-ness.

So we went to Kansas City, left our "pick-up-sticks" lifestyle behind, and just hung-out.

We went to T-Rex Cafe, stuffed ourselves, and let them all Build-a-Dino.
We went to Oceans of Fun and tried to conquer every water slide there.
We went to PF Changs and inhaled 2 orders of lettuce wraps AT THE KIDS' REQUEST!!!!
We went to Barnes and Nobel and let the kids pick whatever they wanted.
We pushed let the kids jump into the fountain outside the InterContinental Hotel.
We let the kids order off of the adult menu.
We spent way too much of our time watched street performers and let the kids put coins in each of their "boxes".
We ordered ridiculous amounts of room service (which was FREE since they forgot to clean our room!) (which I'd normally be grumpy about but the room STILL looked better than my new house!) and let the kids eat in bed and watch Shrek.
We got frozen custard after already eating dessert.

And the kids smiled.
And we smiled.
And the kids laughed.
And so did we.
And we all slept.
Hard.

So we're back.  It's 7:45 in the morning, and the kids are STILL sleeping.  I have at least 27 more posts I need to add to this blog....but I think I'll wait till later.

Now...I'm going to breathe a little bit.
I'm going to slow down, and have a fifth second cup of coffee.
I'm going to make a list instead of rushing around and forgetting what I need to do.

Yes....there is still a lot of mountain left to climb in this weird journey to "new normal".....
But now I think that I can find some firm footing on my way up.

And I just might take some coffee to go.



(*PT= post-tornado)

Different Kinds Of Beauty

Maybe about a week and a half-ish PT Ethan asked me if he could "write something."

He and his cousins had been into making lists of everyone they knew, so I figured that was what he wanted to do.

I gave him my legal pad I'd been using for inventory and a pencil and he sat down at the kitchen island and lost himself in thought.

I busied myself around the house, until he asked (without looking up), "Mom....how do you spell 'tornado'?"

I actually had to swallow hard and tell my stomach to stop flipping over before I could answer him.

He wrote for about 20 minutes, pausing every now and then to ask me how to spell something, then walked over to me with the big yellow pad and asked me to read it out loud.

(I wish  I had picture-posting-capabilities right now...because his beautiful childish handwriting captures his story so much better then the computer....but hopefully that will come in time, too.)

Here is what he wrote:

I was in a car when the tornado happened.
I was in my Uncle Franks car.
The tornado broke my house it was really scary!
Something blew and hit the glass and the glass hit me on the head.
I mis my house but I got a new one and i like it and im glad that everybodys safe.


Today I got a beautiful message from a dear friend of mine on facebook.  She shared a verse that had been on her heart to give to me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord,
thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope.


Aren't both of these beautiful?
So different (but not so different)  from each other....but so touchingly wonderfully beautiful?

Man.......
I know I've said it before, but I think it bears repeating.

I am unbelievably blessed.

Listening

Three weeks ago this morning I sat on a couch in my sil's house with my friend Melanie (at 4 in the morning, to be specific) and tried to make some sense of what had just happened to my world.

It was a difficult task.

We hadn't slept at all, the noise of helicopters flying over was constant, my newly-turned-11 year old was sleeping on the floor with the dog in front of us, and lots of sirens were going off outside of the house.

So we gave up trying to figure things out and headed to Wal-Mart at 5:40 to buy water because apparently ours was no longer safe to drink.

To be honest, that "couch time" is one of the veryfew solid memories I have of that week.  I hope to spend some time at the computer THIS week and figure out where those 7 days went.
It feels important to me to know when I first went back to the house, who was with me, who came over, and what we found....I am not sure WHY this matters....but I really don't like the idea that I LOST those minutes and hours.
Maybe because we've lost so many other things?  Maybe that's why I care where that time went?
Who knows....but I'd like to try and find it.

In the midst of all that "fuzziness"....there are a few things that remain clear.
This is the clearest of them all....

On Monday evening we moved the 5 of us (plus dog, chinchillas, guinea pig and hermit crab) into my mother's house.  She was in Atlanta during the storm and wasn't due back until mid-week.

After a few hours of sleep (hope to get that "sleeping" thing back some day...) I came downstairs Tuesday morning around 5am.

Barrett had left to check on his office, and the kids were all sacked out in my mom's spare bedroom.

I was wide awake, and decided to track down a bible and spend some time with God.

Barrett's was laying on the kitchen table (apparently he had the same thought as me), so I put it in my lap as I pulled up a stool to the island.
I wanted to find something in that bible about gratefulness...something that would touch on my thankfulness.  I know that Psalms is full of wonderful poems and descriptions...but I must admit that I'm not too familiar with that book of the bible.

So, with the bible in my lap I prayed that God would show me the right thing to read that morning.

Now....I've done a lot of praying in my life.  I've felt God's presence in BIG and small ways....I know that He has orchestrated many things for me....I've seen His work and His answers...and I KNOW that He's gently (and not so gently) led me in specific directions.
But...I've never actually audibly heard Him.

I did that morning.

"116."

I admit I thought I was hearing things in my too-tired-to-properly-function brain...but I turned to Psalm 116 and began to read.

When I was done, I climbed off of the stool, tears pouring down my face, and got down on my knees to thank my God.

     Psalm 116: 1-9
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous,
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my ears from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living....

Nothin' But The Truth

Nothin' But the Truth.....

Ok.  The truth?

I'm annoyed at myself.

It's been FIVE weeks since the tornado......yet I still feel utterly discombobulated 80% of the time.

My short-term memory is SHOT.

I can't remember what I went to a store to get.

I lose every flippin' list I make.

I can't get this stupid total pain in my butt excel spread sheet of all our possessions to work because the stupid program keeps shifting my "cells" (and what the heck is a flippin' cell anyway? Not what this biology major learned about!) about randomly ruining hours of work I have never done a spreadsheet before.

I have a mattress in the dining room that I can't seem to remember to take back.  A mattress.  It's big.  Hard to miss.

I started crying at Sam's when my raspberries spilled and the lady in the next check-out lane glared at me.

I take the wrong turns driving anywhere and am constantly late....and I've always prided myself on my punctuality.

For literally TWO weeks now I've forgotten EVERY DAY to call the "Furniture Rescue" place.

Anyway, I'm just not up to my PT self....and I'm annoyed.

What's the deal?  I realize 5 weeks isn't 5 years....but it's plenty long to get back in the game.
I have a home base now.  We all have mattresses WITHOUT MOLD.  Underwear has been found (or purchased) for all of us.  I even have new Monkey Grass (thanks, Uncle Frank!) that the kids have remembered to water.

What's it going to take to feel "settled"?

Yesterday morning my pastor taught out of Luke.
Luke 12: 13-34, to be exact.

I'm not going to quote all of it here (although the read is soooo worth the effort!), but here are some "highlights" that really pierced my heart.

(I am doing some serious piecing and jumping around here....still quoting Luke, but in a funky way....)

(Jesus said,) " 'Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses,'.......then he said to His disciples....'Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on.  Life is more than food and the body more than clothing.....if God (takes such good care of birds and grass), how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

Which of you by worrying can add one day to his life?  Seek the kingdom of God, and all (other things that you think you need) shall be added to you.' "

Hmmmmmm.

You know how sometimes you think the pastor is speaking DIRECTLY TO YOU?

And other times I think, "Interesting message, but not really pertinent to my life right now." (maybe only I think that way?)

Well to be honest (again), at first I didn't feel all that "spoken to".
I am honestly truly completely sincerely totally truthful when I say I AM OK NOT HAVING MY OLD HOUSE AND STUFF.

Seriously!

It's not just lip service......it's a sincere not-all-that-concerned feeling about those possessions of mine.

I'm pretty darn lucky.
I haven't had to worry about having enough food.  I have friends, family, and an insurance policy that have taken care of that.  I have clothes to cover my family.  The tornado presented a good spring cleansing, and we'll go school shopping in the fall.
Big flippin' deal.

I KNOW that God takes care of my needs.
I have seen it, experienced it, felt it, believe it.

So....this passage isn't so-much for me, right?

Well.....maybe. Maybe not.

In it, Jesus also says that worrying is not such a good or healthy or obedient past-time.
He tells me not to be anxious.

Well, I think that maybe possibly sorta.....I am not listening to that very well.

True, I'm not worried about clothing or food....but I am still very shaken.

I don't mind changing my life around....but I didn't get to make the decision to change it.
A stupid EF-5 did it for me.

And that stupid EF-5 violently ripped away the home (not the house, mind you...but the sense of "home" inside of the walls) I've worked for 15 years to create.
It stole my organization, my summer plans, my time, my children's peaceful sleep, my joy in thunderstorms, my husband's 9 hour days, my emotional stability.......

Let me be clear....the tornado DID NOT shake my faith.
The tornado DID shake my "normal".

Every aspect of it.
I said to RH--if someone grabs your torso and violently shakes you...you can't expect your hand to be able to write smoothly and legibly no matter HOW good your muscle control might be.  (I'm actually kinda proud of that analogy....)

But...and let's be honest AGAIN....the Bible doesn't say that "you can't worry about clothes, but anxiety over your normal life being torn away is totally fine."

It says, First seek God, and all the OTHER things will fall into place as they should (paraphrased, me).

So, I'm gonna try.
I'm gonna try to remember where my heart is rooted.
I'm gonna try to bury myself a little deeper in Him.
I'm gonna hand over my anxieties (and quit grabbing them back) and just breathe.

It's ok if I don't get that stupid stupid stupid excel spread sheet turned in this week.
It's ok if I'm not on time to the kids' tennis camp.
It's ok if I cry when I drive into our old neighborhood.
It's ok if we eat out for the next 2-16 weeks.

These things are ok...these feelings are OK to have.....but they are not a reason for me to feel overwhelmed and flummoxed and discombobulated.
They are simply emotions and things to recognize.....and then turn over to God.

Gotta quote one more song here....

"When my world is shaking....
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking....
I never leave Your hands."

So.....MAYBE the gospel of Luke was meant for me too.
Every once and a rare while....I don't mind being wrong.

Here's a link to the song, "Your Hands"