I'm feeling a little frustrated today. I'm ready for things to be back to normal. I think I look normal(ish), and for the most part act it. But, in all honesty I just don't feel it.
That's a problem you see, because when people in my life (and on the periphery) ask how I am doing, I say "fine". And because all appears "fine", they believe it and expect me to act fine.
(I don't want to tell every single person how I feel, and I don't want to bug anyone with my complaints. It's much easier to say that all is well and move on. Sure we're supposed to be honest...but to be honest...it's annoying for anyone to hear constant whining!)
The truth is...I feel tired. Really tired. My arms and legs are heavy and my head feels like there is a weighted blanket draped across my brain. My headaches are still there...not constant but appearing toward the end of the day and running from behind my eye to the back of my head. If I have to talk with someone about something slightly tricky (including my fam) then the headache gets worse. It's fine when I'm having a normal conversation with just one person, but if two or more people start talking to me at once, or I'm supposed to be multi-tasking, or if someone is speaking loudly in my face everything in my body tenses up and I get almost shaky. I can't focus and I either get totally overwhelmed to the point of tears or get ridiculously angry and snap. Hence...I'm not such good company.
Then I get into bed and I can't sleep....and I'm actually normally an amazing sleeper! I've tried getting up early the day before, taking a nap to "reset", working out twice and nothing changes. But...I can hardly get up in the morning too. Weird.
There are some lifestyle changes I'm going to have to make. No caffeine for one, a bunch of medication every night, being super cautious (and worried) about migraine triggers, and bowing out of certain commitments. So I'm doing it, but I'm not really focusing on the fact that these changes are life long. I'm just doing them day by day and not facing reality, if that makes sense.
When I think back to the other big life-changing crisis points in my life, I remember feeling like this. I slept very little and made it though the day with tons of coffee, then passed out late at night and woke up early. It must be my coping mechanism, flawed as it may be. Put one foot in front of the other until one reaches a point that one can face the new normal. It's worked for me before so I trust it will work again.
The only difference here is that it's possible that some of the meds may be causing the tiredness, and apparently a "post-stroke-brain" normally has issues with lack of concentration, trouble multi-tasking and emotional lability. Whichever....it's here. It's just hidden and I have to try to feel as normal as I look. It'll happen someday, or I'll get used to this normal. I hope I won't live in fear, and I hope I won't make my kids feel badly when they're stressing me out.
That's it...just wanted a non-burdening place to gripe.
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