I've been reading this book called Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors that's doing just that for me. In it, the author recounts the story from Genesis where Jacob wrestles with a man sent from God. The wrestling match by the river goes on all night, and though he can't win, Jacob refuses to let go. As dawn is approaching the heavenly guy touches Jacob's hip, divinely wounding him, and Jacob still refuses to release him. Jacob audaciously demands that this being bless him, and the warrior does just that...while giving Jacob a new name at the same time. The meaning of the new name is "one who has struggled with God and with men and has prevailed." As Jacob limps away with his withered hip he names that place "Peniel", which means "I have seen God face to face and my life is preserved,"
(Genesis 32).
The reason that the book's author fixates on this story is because she has been doing some struggling of her own with God. She has asked some hard tough questions of Him...mixed in with some big doubts and heartbreaks from answers she's received. Through all of her questioning though, God never let go of her. Katie says that at the end of this gigantic wrestling match, even though she was battered and scarred, she had a new closeness with God that hadn't been there before.
It's a beautifully written story. I highly suggest you read the whole book...and the one she wrote before it too! But before you think this is just a book promotion, I'll add the personal blog point of it too.
I've had times this year where I've definitely struggled with God. I would even say I'd struggled against Him sometimes. But, instead of wrestling with my fears and hurts...I've taken another route. I've smiled and said "Father, I accept this and thanks for being here with me through it."And I've believed it with all of my being!
Now listen. I know this alternate route I've taken is a good one. The right one. The one God wants me to be on and the one that I myself want to be one. So what's the problem?
Well...there also came times when I wasn't fine. When I'm not fine. And in those moments...the ones where I was truly afraid or angry or sad or overwhelmed....I just put on the same smile and told myself I was JUST FINE. Instead of asking the hard questions and beating on His chest with my struggles, I told Him and myself and anyone who asked that I knew God was in control and everything was going according to His plan.
Did I believe that? Yes, I did and I do. But I still had struggles. I still had hurts. I still had my "injured hip" and I was finding it very hard to walk along in a normal life with such a profound limp.
You see, even if we are given an initial crazy-peace and acceptance that passes all understanding of something we are going through...there's always a "later" when troubles can pop up. Satan sometimes waits until the big crisis is over and the prayers wane a little bit to slip in and bring some old fashioned doubt, pain and hurt with him. That's the point where we make a choice: do we bring these struggles before God and wrestle with Him over their validity? Or do we just paste a smile on our face, shove them deep into the some hidden part of our heart and tell everyone (including God!) that everything is JUST FINE?
That's where I have chosen poorly in the past. It's hard for me to rationalize slipping back into distress when God's already allowed me to overcome so much. Sometimes I feel the pain from that "wrenched hip"and think to myself, "No no no no....I cannot go back there and re-live this....it really hurt and I am way to exhausted and overwhelmed to do it again. I'm fine. By God's grace I'm truly OK and I can't chance NOT being OK."
So I bury my issues and throw myself into living. For the most part, I do quite well with it. I truly do believe that God is real and big and beautiful and loving, and that He wants good things for me. But, at some point the buried issue pile gets big enough to cause a bump in the carpet of my life...and being the clumsy being that I am, I will eventually trip over it and things Will. Scatter. Out.
So you know what I'm learning? I've got to take these struggles to the mat. Every time. I've got to hash them out with the only One who's big and strong enough to take it...whom I don't have to worry about wounding with my angry words or blaming tone. I need to be honest with my Maker. Tell Him that I am scared. That I am mad at what's been lost. That sometimes my hurt overwhelms any healing I've had. I can't hold anything back; I have to wrestle with every ounce of strength in my body. When I do that then I will know that I've given Him the very biggest worst version of my doubting self. And then when He scoops me up and pulls me close, when He cups my chin to turn my tear-streamed face so its right next to His...well, I know if He won't let go of me at that point, then He never will. Wrestling with Him brings me close to Him. When I've seen Him face-to-face He preserves the life He wants me to have.
Then, when I look at my scars (be they hips or other injuries...) I can remember what He brought me through. Instead of being afraid of the pain that came with the infliction, I see the strength and consistent presence that healed and restored me to a new version of myself. I have a new name.
If the struggles come back (because so often they do!), then I know I can look at my scarred self and instead of feeling exhausted and wounded, remember that I am a "new self" with a proven track record of God being on my side. I can stop and deal with those hurts again...but each time will be easier as long as I put them on the mat in front of God and let HIM do the wrestling. You see...God is pretty big. And (spoiler alert!), He always wins. But He can't beat those struggles if I don't bring them to Him!
I'm thankful I found this book. I'm thankful for the reminder that "Fine" isn't a permanent state of being, but that it can be restored even when it's lost. I'm thankful that God is better at wrestling than I am, and that He's always willing to go a couple rounds with me when I need it.
Lastly, I'm thankful that I can still beat my 14 year old son and nephew in real-life wrestling, even though it may cost me a couple of chips in my teeth. It's the little things....
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